1
00:00:05,464 --> 00:00:06,548
(SEAGULL SQUAWKS)

2
00:00:07,758 --> 00:00:10,260
MUSICIAN: <i>One, two, three.
One, two, three.</i>

3
00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:11,762
WHITMER THOMAS:
<i>I grew up skateboarding.</i>

4
00:00:11,803 --> 00:00:13,889
-♪ (MELLOW INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING) ♪
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

5
00:00:13,972 --> 00:00:15,349
Yeah, I still skate.

6
00:00:15,432 --> 00:00:18,227
It's weird, though,
'cause I'm in my 30s.

7
00:00:18,310 --> 00:00:19,978
It's weird
'cause I'll just be, like,

8
00:00:20,062 --> 00:00:23,148
at a skate spot
under a bridge for hours,

9
00:00:23,232 --> 00:00:24,983
and I'll just look around
and realize

10
00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:26,944
that I'm just hanging out

11
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:29,029
with a bunch
of 14-year-old boys.

12
00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:30,322
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

13
00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:32,491
Just me
and a bunch of young boy--

14
00:00:32,574 --> 00:00:35,160
-Usually shirtless young boys.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

15
00:00:35,244 --> 00:00:36,328
Y'all ready?

16
00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:38,205
WHITMER: <i>These skater boys
will always film each other</i>

17
00:00:38,288 --> 00:00:40,165
<i>landing tricks and shit.</i>

18
00:00:40,249 --> 00:00:42,960
<i>Sometimes they'll have me
film them doing trick--</i>

19
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:46,630
To be honest, my camera roll,
chock full of 14-year-old boys.

20
00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:48,340
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

21
00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:51,802
Choppin' broccoli,
choppin' brocc--

22
00:00:51,843 --> 00:00:53,637
I noticed that skater boys
have this thing

23
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:55,013
that they do
whenever they get hurt,

24
00:00:55,097 --> 00:00:56,598
like, they won't admit to it.

25
00:00:56,682 --> 00:00:58,976
<i>Like, they could have
blood pouring down their face,</i>

26
00:00:59,017 --> 00:01:00,811
and their buddy will come up
to them and be like...

27
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:02,813
(IMITATES SKATER) "Oh, my God,
dude, what happened, man?

28
00:01:02,854 --> 00:01:04,147
Are you okay?"
And they'll be like,

29
00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:07,317
"I'm totally fine. I just had
the sudden urge to go inside."

30
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:11,280
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-WHITMER: (NORMALLY)
<i>Like, it's okay, pal.</i>

31
00:01:11,363 --> 00:01:12,656
You could admit
you're hurt, man.

32
00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:14,741
Hey, hey. (SCREAMS)

33
00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:18,328
I was lucky as a kid, you know?
I wasn't too good at skating.

34
00:01:18,370 --> 00:01:20,664
<i>And at one point,
we hit hard times.</i>

35
00:01:20,706 --> 00:01:22,082
And then every time
I'd go skate,

36
00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:23,333
my mom would be like...

37
00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:25,210
(IN FEMININE SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Please don't get hurt today.

38
00:01:25,294 --> 00:01:26,545
We don't have insurance."
(CHUCKLES)

39
00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:28,422
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(KID SCREAMS)

40
00:01:29,381 --> 00:01:30,632
WHITMER:
(NORMALLY) <i>But I like that,</i>

41
00:01:30,716 --> 00:01:31,842
'cause my buddies
would be like...

42
00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:33,677
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Today, you gotta drop in

43
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,846
from the tallest half-pipe
at the skate park."

44
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,389
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-And I'd be like,

45
00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:40,350
"I wish I could, man, but sadly,
I don't have insurance."

46
00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:43,854
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

47
00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:45,689
WHITMER: (NORMALLY)
<i>Pretty cool, pretty cool.</i>

48
00:01:45,731 --> 00:01:49,568
♪ ("COOLER WHEN I'M SICK"
BY WHITMER THOMAS PLAYING) ♪

49
00:01:55,824 --> 00:02:01,288
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

50
00:02:02,914 --> 00:02:03,999
WHITMER: Let's do it.

51
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:26,938
<i>♪ Oh, tonight
Under these lights I will try ♪</i>

52
00:02:29,775 --> 00:02:32,194
{\an8}<i>♪ Too old for angst ♪</i>

53
00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:36,323
<i>♪ And this stupid
Little twinkle in my eye ♪</i>

54
00:02:38,950 --> 00:02:42,245
<i>♪ Oh, desperation ♪</i>

55
00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:47,668
<i>♪ For approval masked as
A willingness to entertain ♪</i>

56
00:02:47,751 --> 00:02:52,130
<i>♪ I feel insane
I feel so lame ♪</i>

57
00:02:52,214 --> 00:02:57,094
<i>♪ And when the going gets tough
Well, I lose all integrity ♪</i>

58
00:02:57,135 --> 00:03:01,098
<i>♪ Tonight, under these lights ♪</i>

59
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:05,519
<i>♪ And I got this stupid
Little twinkle in my eye ♪</i>

60
00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:11,566
<i>♪ Yes, I will try
For you, I will ♪</i>

61
00:03:14,152 --> 00:03:16,446
<i>♪ I will try very hard ♪</i>

62
00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:20,992
<i>♪ I will try very hard ♪</i>

63
00:03:22,994 --> 00:03:25,956
<i>♪ I will try very hard ♪</i>

64
00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:32,003
<i>♪ For you
I will try very hard always ♪</i>

65
00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:36,383
<i>♪ Oh!
Trying will remain criminal ♪</i>

66
00:03:36,466 --> 00:03:39,803
<i>♪ Subliminal thoughts
Creep in my brain ♪</i>

67
00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:44,141
<i>♪ If it's quiet do an impression
Of Sir Michael Caine ♪</i>

68
00:03:44,182 --> 00:03:46,017
(IMITATES MICHAEL CAINE)
<i>♪ Some people, Master Wayne ♪</i>

69
00:03:46,101 --> 00:03:47,978
<i>♪ Just wanna watch
The world burn ♪</i>

70
00:03:48,019 --> 00:03:50,647
{\an8}<i>♪ Just wanna watch
The world burn ♪</i>

71
00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:55,026
(NORMALLY) <i>♪ Oh! My ex told me
I'm cooler when I'm sick ♪</i>

72
00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:59,364
<i>♪ And I feel so diseased
I can't help it ♪</i>

73
00:03:59,448 --> 00:04:01,658
<i>-♪ I wanna scream ♪</i>
-(SCREAMS)

74
00:04:01,700 --> 00:04:04,161
<i>-♪ I wanna scream ♪</i>
-(SCREAMS)

75
00:04:04,202 --> 00:04:08,957
<i>♪ We can't crush the caveat
Can't crush the caveat ♪</i>

76
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:10,876
<i>♪ When I chew gum ♪</i>

77
00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:15,714
<i>♪ I put the whole bag
In my mouth at once ♪</i>

78
00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:19,843
<i>♪ Or else I can't taste it
When I play with kids ♪</i>

79
00:04:19,885 --> 00:04:24,347
<i>♪ I often commit
Too hard to the bit ♪</i>

80
00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:30,353
<i>♪ And freak them the fuck out ♪</i>

81
00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:34,524
<i>♪ Because I try ♪</i>

82
00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:38,987
<i>♪ I try very hard for you ♪</i>

83
00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:43,742
<i>♪ I try very hard always ♪</i>

84
00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:46,828
<i>♪ Oh! When I was young ♪</i>

85
00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:51,458
<i>♪ I talked like Tom Green
For one entire year ♪</i>

86
00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:55,378
<i>♪ While my parents
Were both in rehab ♪</i>

87
00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:58,089
<i>♪ I guess I do my best ♪</i>

88
00:04:58,173 --> 00:05:02,886
<i>♪ You never really deal
With things that are real ♪</i>

89
00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:06,765
<i>♪ My ex told me
I'm cooler when I'm sick ♪</i>

90
00:05:06,848 --> 00:05:08,558
♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

91
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:12,729
-(SCREAMING)
-♪ (HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

92
00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:14,564
WHITMER: (HEAVY METAL SCREAMING)
<i>♪ Terminal! ♪</i>

93
00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:18,360
<i>♪ Crew of dudes! ♪</i>

94
00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:21,071
<i>♪ Crew of dudes! ♪</i>

95
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:23,240
-♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪
-(NORMALLY) Give it up
for my band, y'all.

96
00:05:23,281 --> 00:05:27,160
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

97
00:05:32,123 --> 00:05:35,043
We all grew up
in Alabama together.

98
00:05:35,126 --> 00:05:36,795
We've known each other
pretty much our whole lives.

99
00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:39,214
That's-- That's my best friend
Jeramy right there.

100
00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:41,341
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

101
00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:43,468
WHITMER: That's my best friend,
Clay, right there.

102
00:05:43,552 --> 00:05:44,886
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

103
00:05:44,970 --> 00:05:47,097
WHITMER: And this is
my best friend, Budd,
right here.

104
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,974
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

105
00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:51,226
Actually, Budd did not
grow up in Alabama.

106
00:05:51,309 --> 00:05:52,769
We did not grow up with him.

107
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:55,814
He's from California.
He's a coastal elitist.

108
00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:57,691
(AUDIENCE BOOING)

109
00:05:57,774 --> 00:06:00,068
I've only known this man
for 18 years.

110
00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:02,279
He's basically
a fucking stranger to me,

111
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,614
and I don't know what he's doing
on stage tonight.

112
00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:07,701
(HESITATES) I consider you
one of my closest friends.

113
00:06:07,784 --> 00:06:09,494
-I-- It hurts--
-WHITMER: Fuck you.

114
00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:10,787
It hurt-- Oh.

115
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:13,623
-WHITMER: I hate you.
-All right.

116
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:18,128
And everybody, let him hear it.
My big brother, Johnny.

117
00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:22,173
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

118
00:06:22,257 --> 00:06:24,342
WHITMER: He's huge. He's huge.

119
00:06:24,426 --> 00:06:26,344
Look at him.
He's huge. (CHUCKLES)

120
00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:28,388
(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)

121
00:06:31,016 --> 00:06:34,769
Man, I really, really
want to be cool.

122
00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:38,857
Like I do everything
in my power to be cool, man.

123
00:06:38,940 --> 00:06:42,110
I try to buy the right clothes
and listen to the right music.

124
00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:45,030
Ah, it'd be so cool to just be
like the coolest guy ever.

125
00:06:45,113 --> 00:06:46,656
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

126
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:49,868
The coolest type of guy
there is is an LOL guy.

127
00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:52,829
I don't know
if y'all know this style of guy.

128
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,748
An LOL guy is a guy
to where you, like,

129
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:55,999
text him the funniest thing

130
00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:58,835
you've ever seen
in your whole life.

131
00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:03,340
-And then six weeks later...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

132
00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:06,843
-...he responds, "LOL."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

133
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,845
Which is sort of
the same thing as going,

134
00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:10,847
"Mm, I don't care
if you live or die."

135
00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:14,267
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-That's a cool guy.

136
00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:16,144
That's the kind of guy
I want to be, man,

137
00:07:16,227 --> 00:07:17,562
but that ain't me, man.

138
00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:20,023
You text me something
that's actually funny,

139
00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:22,859
I won't say "LOL,"
I'll already be on your doorstep

140
00:07:22,901 --> 00:07:24,319
and you'll just
hear me outside going...

141
00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:26,029
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

142
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:29,282
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

143
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:33,870
(IMITATES MICHAEL CAINE)
'Cause some people
just wanna watch the world burn.

144
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:37,415
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

145
00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:41,628
(NORMALLY) That's the...
That's the second time

146
00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:43,713
I've done an impression
of Michael Caine tonight.

147
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:46,007
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

148
00:07:46,049 --> 00:07:47,634
I don't know.
I don't care if it's hacky.

149
00:07:47,717 --> 00:07:51,554
-It's really funny to do that.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

150
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:52,889
Really, I just think
it's funny that,

151
00:07:52,931 --> 00:07:55,892
you know, that's a quote
from <i>The Dark Knight,</i>

152
00:07:55,934 --> 00:07:58,103
and that's one
of the biggest movies ever made,

153
00:07:58,186 --> 00:07:59,562
directed by Christopher Nolan,

154
00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:02,440
who's one of the most
powerful directors there is,

155
00:08:02,524 --> 00:08:07,028
and he didn't have it in him
to say to Michael Caine, um,

156
00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:08,488
"Hey, Michael Caine,
I was wondering

157
00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:11,658
if, uh, maybe,
uh, you could redo that line,

158
00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:15,036
'cause, uh, we wanted to use it
in the trailer,

159
00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:17,038
and nobody knows
what the fuck you're saying."

160
00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:19,040
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

161
00:08:19,124 --> 00:08:21,376
And then all that Michael Caine
could muster was...

162
00:08:21,418 --> 00:08:26,381
-(IMITATES MICHAEL CAINE
MUMBLING)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

163
00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:28,258
All right, I guess
I'll just live with that.

164
00:08:28,299 --> 00:08:30,927
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

165
00:08:30,969 --> 00:08:33,138
(INHALES DEEPLY)
I think it's pretty clear

166
00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:36,558
that I'm really good
at impressions. (CHUCKLES)

167
00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:41,312
I can basically do
an impression of anybody.

168
00:08:41,396 --> 00:08:42,939
All I gotta do
is get your first name

169
00:08:42,981 --> 00:08:44,274
and what you do for a living,

170
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:46,234
and I'll do
a perfect impression of you.

171
00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:49,446
So, I'd like to do that tonight,
if that's okay.

172
00:08:49,487 --> 00:08:54,075
Um, would it be okay if I did
an impression of you? Okay.

173
00:08:54,117 --> 00:08:55,952
All I gotta do is just, uh,

174
00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:57,829
get your first name
and what you do for a living.

175
00:08:57,912 --> 00:08:59,122
I'll do a perfect impression.

176
00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:01,291
Okay. I'm Ian, and I'm a writer.

177
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,001
(IN WHINY VOICE)
"My name's Ian, I'm a writer."

178
00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:06,629
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

179
00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:09,632
(NORMALLY) Sorry, Ian,
you sound annoying, man.

180
00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:12,802
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

181
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:15,847
I think it's pretty clear
that I was raised by addicts.

182
00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:20,268
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-But that's okay, that's okay.

183
00:09:20,351 --> 00:09:22,812
Sadly, my mom
drank herself to death.

184
00:09:22,854 --> 00:09:24,314
But, uh, you know,

185
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:27,692
I figured I'm gonna name
my first kid in her honor.

186
00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:30,570
Yeah, I'm gonna name
my first kid Al-Anon.

187
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:36,659
-Can I talk to you over here?
-Yeah.

188
00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:39,287
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

189
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:40,580
CLAY TATUM:
That wasn't good, right?

190
00:09:40,663 --> 00:09:42,540
-Yeah.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

191
00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:44,876
-CLAY: We could do better?
-Yeah. Yeah, I'll do better.

192
00:09:44,959 --> 00:09:46,336
-CLAY: Let's do that.
-All right. Okay.

193
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:49,756
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

194
00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:55,095
All right, from here on out,
I'm gonna do a better job.

195
00:09:56,387 --> 00:09:58,681
Now, you go one way or the other
when you're raised by an addict.

196
00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:01,309
You either become
a cool, impenetrable mystery,

197
00:10:01,351 --> 00:10:03,186
or you become
a squeaky little dumbass.

198
00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:05,188
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-♪ (SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING) ♪

199
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:07,398
And I'll let y'all decide
which one of those I am.

200
00:10:07,482 --> 00:10:09,234
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

201
00:10:11,027 --> 00:10:14,030
This is my impression
of a, uh...

202
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,366
of, like,
a serious folk musician

203
00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:20,328
whose harmonica is just
a little too far away from him.

204
00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:24,707
Actually, I don't gotta do it.

205
00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:27,043
-I just explained it
pretty good. (CHUCKLES)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

206
00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:30,171
♪ (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

207
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:37,971
<i>♪ In my mind
I'm a pretty cool guy ♪</i>

208
00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:42,267
<i>♪ With an ass for a chin
And fuck me eyes ♪</i>

209
00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:45,395
<i>♪ Who'd win a race
If I gave a shit ♪</i>

210
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:49,232
<i>♪ But I don't feel like it ♪</i>

211
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:52,402
<i>♪ I'm never lonely
When I'm alone ♪</i>

212
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:56,614
<i>♪ Livin' in my minimal
Postmodern home ♪</i>

213
00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:59,617
<i>♪ My famous friends
Let me cut in line ♪</i>

214
00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:03,079
<i>♪ I'm a, I'm a
I'm a pretty cool guy ♪</i>

215
00:11:03,121 --> 00:11:04,122
<i>♪ All right now! ♪</i>

216
00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:08,293
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

217
00:11:11,462 --> 00:11:14,299
<i>♪ Watching Buffalo '66 ♪</i>

218
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:18,094
<i>♪ Dressin' like River Phoenix ♪</i>

219
00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:24,767
<i>♪ Kerouac and Wim Wenders
Times Square, David Byrne ♪</i>

220
00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:28,771
<i>♪ And do the dead really die
If they still piss you off? ♪</i>

221
00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:32,150
<i>♪ I wrote the book
On how to get lost ♪</i>

222
00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:35,653
<i>♪ And I ain't afraid
To get a little dark ♪</i>

223
00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:38,781
<i>♪ Like The Panic
In Needle Park ♪</i>

224
00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:43,286
<i>♪ But I'm a bright little star
When I'm in my room ♪</i>

225
00:11:43,328 --> 00:11:46,456
<i>♪ A butterfly baby in a cocoon ♪</i>

226
00:11:46,497 --> 00:11:50,168
<i>♪ And I don't care
But I'll still ask you ♪</i>

227
00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:54,756
<i>♪ I do, I do, I do as they do! ♪</i>

228
00:11:55,506 --> 00:11:59,219
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

229
00:12:01,012 --> 00:12:04,641
<i>♪ Am I eccentric
Or just a dick? ♪</i>

230
00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:08,645
<i>♪ Ripping cigs and talking shit
Into the wild blue ♪</i>

231
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:11,814
<i>♪ You gotta be a fool
To fool the fool ♪</i>

232
00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:16,152
<i>♪ Who's thinking
That they are fooling you ♪</i>

233
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:19,155
<i>♪ In my mind you want me back ♪</i>

234
00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:22,992
<i>♪ 'Cause I'm the only one
Who can make you laugh ♪</i>

235
00:12:23,034 --> 00:12:26,329
<i>♪ I'll hate your art
Till you compliment mine ♪</i>

236
00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:29,624
<i>♪ I'm a, I'm a
I'm a pretty cool guy ♪</i>

237
00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:30,833
<i>♪ That's right, hey ♪</i>

238
00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:39,425
-Take it, Clay!
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

239
00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:50,019
<i>♪ Lately I realize
I tell when I'm blue ♪</i>

240
00:12:50,061 --> 00:12:53,398
<i>♪ There's nothin' in the past
I'd want to undo ♪</i>

241
00:12:53,481 --> 00:12:57,777
<i>♪ You didn't break my heart
Baby, I don't miss you ♪</i>

242
00:12:57,860 --> 00:12:59,529
<i>♪ It's true, it's true ♪</i>

243
00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:02,740
<i>♪ It's true
It's true, it's true ♪</i>

244
00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:08,871
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

245
00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:11,708
I've always, like, wanted
to be something, you know?

246
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:14,544
Like, when I was a little kid,
I was in Christmas choir,

247
00:13:14,585 --> 00:13:16,254
and I would stand
on the edge of the risers,

248
00:13:16,337 --> 00:13:18,506
and we'd get to the end
of the show, and we'd go...

249
00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:21,551
<i>♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪</i>

250
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:24,178
Then I'd hop off the edge
of the risers and go...

251
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:27,974
<i>-♪ And many more ♪</i>
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

252
00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:29,934
(CHUCKLES) The teacher
would be like, "What the hell?"

253
00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:32,228
<i>And I'd be like,
"I want to be the star."</i>

254
00:13:32,270 --> 00:13:33,688
-(CHUCKLES)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

255
00:13:33,771 --> 00:13:35,398
WHITMER: <i>'Cause I was so jealous</i>

256
00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:37,233
<i>of kids who did get
to be the star.</i>

257
00:13:37,275 --> 00:13:39,736
Like, I remember the first time
my mom, she, like,

258
00:13:39,777 --> 00:13:43,740
showed me a music video
of the band Hanson.

259
00:13:43,781 --> 00:13:46,075
And I remember
just sitting there going,

260
00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:48,578
"I want
those fucking kids dead, Ma."

261
00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:49,912
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

262
00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:51,539
"I want them fucking dead, Ma.

263
00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:55,543
I want them dead. I want them
to die violently, Ma."

264
00:13:56,794 --> 00:13:59,797
But the truth is,
I was just jealous of them.

265
00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:02,550
Because they're really
cool-looking kids,

266
00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:05,595
and they can all sing
like California Raisins. And...

267
00:14:05,636 --> 00:14:07,263
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

268
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:09,891
...I wanted to be like that.
You know?

269
00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:11,476
I wanted to be that way.

270
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:16,814
Johnny has a son named Ronin.
He's a great dad.

271
00:14:16,898 --> 00:14:20,777
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-WHITMER: Yeah.

272
00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:23,112
He's got a son who's, uh--
He's a kid, you know?

273
00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:27,325
He's in elementary school.
And he's a cool kid, you know?

274
00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:30,620
But I worry sometimes
that he's like me,

275
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:33,164
how I was
when I was a kid, you know?

276
00:14:33,247 --> 00:14:37,126
And so every time I go back
to Alabama and I look at him,

277
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:39,504
I look at him kind of like
how Forrest Gump

278
00:14:39,587 --> 00:14:41,839
looks at his son
at the end of the movie...

279
00:14:42,757 --> 00:14:44,592
when-- you know,
when he's like...

280
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:51,974
-(BREATHES HEAVILY)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

281
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:55,728
-(IMITATES FORREST GUMP)
"Is he like me?"
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

282
00:14:57,313 --> 00:14:59,982
(NORMALLY) And Jenny's like,
"No, he's fucking normal."

283
00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:01,776
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

284
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:03,986
Weird part of the movie,
weird turn.

285
00:15:06,656 --> 00:15:08,491
I don't think he's gonna be
like me, you know,

286
00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:11,494
'cause he can, like, speak up
in a way that I never could,

287
00:15:11,536 --> 00:15:13,246
'cause I wanted everybody
to like me.

288
00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:16,499
Like, we were at
our grandfather's
98th birthday party,

289
00:15:16,541 --> 00:15:17,834
and a bunch of old fuckers

290
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,710
were singing happy birthday
to him.

291
00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:22,797
And Ronin comes up
to me and Johnny, and he goes...

292
00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:27,635
-"I'm bored."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

293
00:15:27,718 --> 00:15:29,929
And then he slowly
pointed at everyone.

294
00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:33,349
He goes,
"Everyone here is bored."

295
00:15:33,391 --> 00:15:36,602
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

296
00:15:37,562 --> 00:15:40,356
And when I was
like five years old,

297
00:15:40,398 --> 00:15:43,151
Johnny had
his birthday party at Benihana.

298
00:15:44,318 --> 00:15:46,529
And he didn't want me to go.
He was in middle school

299
00:15:46,571 --> 00:15:49,490
and he wanted all of his, like,
middle school friends to go.

300
00:15:49,574 --> 00:15:52,034
And it was weird for
a five-year-old to go, you know,

301
00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:53,703
because they probably
wanted to like

302
00:15:53,744 --> 00:15:56,038
-practice cussing or whatever.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

303
00:15:56,122 --> 00:15:58,082
Can't do that with a five--
And that's true.

304
00:15:58,166 --> 00:15:59,750
Middle school kids,
they gotta practice cussing.

305
00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:02,545
They don't know
how to do it right yet.

306
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:05,381
It's true, go listen to a bunch
of middle school kids talk.

307
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,842
Their cusses
don't quite add up yet.

308
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:09,510
They'll be like...

309
00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:11,888
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Dude, if my mom doesn't let me
spend the night tonight,

310
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,056
I'm gonna burp in a cup
and shove it in her pussy."

311
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:16,267
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

312
00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:19,896
(NORMALLY) I've heard
someone say it. I have.

313
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:21,314
No, they wanted
to be doing that.

314
00:16:21,397 --> 00:16:23,065
They didn't want me there,
but my dad was like,

315
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:24,775
"Dude, just let
your little brother go, man."

316
00:16:24,859 --> 00:16:25,902
So, I get to go,

317
00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:27,862
and I'm sitting there
across from my brother

318
00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:30,114
and all of his cool buddies,
and, you know,

319
00:16:30,198 --> 00:16:32,575
they're just kind of
looking at me like...

320
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:34,911
while the chef is grilling up
a bunch of shit.

321
00:16:34,952 --> 00:16:37,288
And the chef notices
that I'm the odd man out.

322
00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:39,540
And the chef kind of looks at me
and he's like...

323
00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:41,167
Like...

324
00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:43,419
{\an8}And so the...
Shref grills up a shrimp

325
00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:44,921
and he pops
that sucker into my mouth.

326
00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:47,715
-I catch it with ease like that.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

327
00:16:47,757 --> 00:16:50,134
And my brother and all
of his buddies look at me like,

328
00:16:50,218 --> 00:16:52,220
"That's the coolest thing
I've ever seen in my--" (LAUGHS)

329
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:54,764
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

330
00:16:54,805 --> 00:16:57,433
And I'm like, "I'm in.
Chef, keep them coming.

331
00:16:57,475 --> 00:16:58,476
Let's go, man."

332
00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:00,144
Chef just keeps on
grilling up shrimp

333
00:17:00,228 --> 00:17:01,938
and popping those bad boys
into my mouth.

334
00:17:01,979 --> 00:17:03,940
I'm catching them
left and right.

335
00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:05,274
And with every shrimp,

336
00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:08,569
my brother loved me
just a little bit more.

337
00:17:08,653 --> 00:17:10,154
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

338
00:17:10,238 --> 00:17:12,907
And I remember after,
like, the tenth or 11th shrimp,

339
00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:14,617
my dad saying to the chef,

340
00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:16,786
"Hey, man,
cool it with the shrimp, pal."

341
00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:18,120
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

342
00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:20,623
And I was like, "No, no,
one more, Chef, one more.

343
00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:22,542
One more."

344
00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:24,961
The chef grills up a shrimp,
he pops it into my mouth,

345
00:17:25,002 --> 00:17:26,754
I catch it like that,

346
00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:29,298
start chewing it up,
try to swallow, I can't,

347
00:17:29,340 --> 00:17:31,342
I throw up all over the table,

348
00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:33,636
and it starts cooking
my throw up.

349
00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:37,682
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-And it smelled bad.

350
00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:41,602
I ruined my big brother's
birthday that night,

351
00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:43,479
'cause I wanted him to love me.

352
00:17:46,607 --> 00:17:48,192
Couldn't tell that chef to stop,

353
00:17:48,276 --> 00:17:51,362
'cause he was doing
a really, really good job.

354
00:17:51,445 --> 00:17:53,656
I still can't tell people
to stop.

355
00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:55,783
Like, every time
I've ever gotten a massage,

356
00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:58,995
-it's too hard and I'm cold.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

357
00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:01,080
You ain't gonna hear
nothing out of me.

358
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:05,042
You know,
after that whole situation,

359
00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:07,628
me and my big brother
became best friends, you know?

360
00:18:07,670 --> 00:18:11,382
And Johnny,
he hit a rough patch, I'd say.

361
00:18:11,465 --> 00:18:12,466
A rough patch.

362
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:15,219
You know, in, like,
eighth grade, maybe,

363
00:18:15,303 --> 00:18:17,513
where he sort of
stopped communicating

364
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:20,433
-and just started barking
all the time.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

365
00:18:20,516 --> 00:18:23,436
And my mom and dad were,
like, concerned, and they, like,

366
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:25,688
took him to get, like,
tested and shit,

367
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:29,400
'cause he was barking
probably a year straight.

368
00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:34,405
I'd say six words a day.
Other than that, it was a bark.

369
00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:36,907
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

370
00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:39,035
So, they take him to, like,

371
00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:41,287
a bunch of different people
to get tested for Tourette's

372
00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:43,748
and autism
and all this different shit.

373
00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:45,207
And then eventually
they just take him

374
00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:48,461
to a true blue therapist.
And the therapist is like,

375
00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:51,380
"Johnny, just tell me,
why do you bark?"

376
00:18:51,422 --> 00:18:53,299
And he goes, "'Cause it makes

377
00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:55,718
my little brother
laugh really hard."

378
00:18:55,801 --> 00:19:00,556
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

379
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,059
WHITMER: That's what kind of man
this guy is right here.

380
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:07,980
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

381
00:19:10,941 --> 00:19:12,777
That's a good friend
right there.

382
00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:16,739
You know who's a fucking
really bad friend?

383
00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:20,743
-Buffalo wings.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

384
00:19:20,826 --> 00:19:23,954
-Come with me on this.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

385
00:19:24,038 --> 00:19:26,957
Buffalo wings
is a terrible friend, all right?

386
00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:28,709
Here's how I know.

387
00:19:28,793 --> 00:19:30,753
'Cause pizza,
they're killing it.

388
00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:34,173
It's way back in the '80s
or whenever pizza was invented.

389
00:19:34,256 --> 00:19:37,259
Pizza's killing it, all right?

390
00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:40,304
Pizza's getting eaten
at restaurants.

391
00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:41,430
It's getting delivered.

392
00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:43,432
And pizza's, like, talking
to the other pizzas, going,

393
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,309
"You know what?
We're kind of killing it, guys.

394
00:19:45,393 --> 00:19:48,104
And I'd like to be able to help
someone else out right now

395
00:19:48,145 --> 00:19:49,522
because of all of our success.

396
00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:51,524
We have the time.
We have the money.

397
00:19:51,607 --> 00:19:53,984
Let's help someone."
And then another pizza's like,

398
00:19:54,068 --> 00:19:55,444
"Yeah, yeah,
you know who I really like?

399
00:19:55,486 --> 00:19:58,614
I'm a huge fan
of Buffalo wings."

400
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:02,159
So, pizza tosses Buffalo wings
onto the menu.

401
00:20:02,243 --> 00:20:04,954
And now every time
you get pizza,

402
00:20:04,995 --> 00:20:07,123
no matter if it's
in a restaurant or delivered,

403
00:20:07,164 --> 00:20:09,625
you always have the option
for Buffalo wings.

404
00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:11,627
And then Buffalo wings
starts popping off,

405
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:16,048
-building a huge fan base.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

406
00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:18,467
They're getting so big,

407
00:20:18,509 --> 00:20:20,177
they might have
to go out on their own,

408
00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:22,138
start their own thing, you know?

409
00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:25,057
Buffalo wing goes,
they start their own restaurant.

410
00:20:26,183 --> 00:20:27,893
But who do they have for a side?

411
00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:31,480
They sure as hell
don't have pizza,

412
00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:33,482
-I'll tell you that much.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

413
00:20:33,524 --> 00:20:37,027
Pizza is nowhere to be found
at a Buffalo wing restaurant.

414
00:20:37,111 --> 00:20:40,823
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

415
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:43,117
Who does Buffalo wings
bring along?

416
00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:47,163
-Fucking French fries.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

417
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,331
You son of a bitch.

418
00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:53,335
Not only is Buffalo wings
a bad friend,

419
00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:55,713
Buffalo wings
is also a fucking idiot.

420
00:20:55,796 --> 00:20:58,549
Because guess what,
Buffalo wings?

421
00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:03,262
French fries is not your friend.
French fries is burgers' friend.

422
00:21:03,345 --> 00:21:07,349
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

423
00:21:15,399 --> 00:21:19,195
All right, thanks for walking...
walking with me there.

424
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:23,240
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

425
00:21:23,324 --> 00:21:25,201
We were so lucky,
you know, like,

426
00:21:25,242 --> 00:21:27,077
we've known each other
for so long

427
00:21:27,161 --> 00:21:30,206
and we... we really haven't ever
made new friends,

428
00:21:30,247 --> 00:21:33,209
other than this little
strange fucker right there.

429
00:21:33,250 --> 00:21:34,710
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

430
00:21:34,794 --> 00:21:37,087
-I... (CHUCKLES) I love you.
-How-- (LAUGHS)

431
00:21:37,171 --> 00:21:40,382
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(CHUCKLES)

432
00:21:41,467 --> 00:21:42,718
WHITMER:
We never made new friends.

433
00:21:42,802 --> 00:21:45,304
We would try, we would
sort of vet new friends.

434
00:21:45,387 --> 00:21:46,722
Maybe some of y'all
have done this.

435
00:21:46,806 --> 00:21:48,432
You ever, like, hang out
with a new friend

436
00:21:48,516 --> 00:21:50,559
who says toot instead of fart?

437
00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:52,978
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

438
00:21:54,772 --> 00:21:56,106
It's like,
"Buddy, you're on strike two

439
00:21:56,190 --> 00:21:58,484
after holding your nose
when you jumped into the pool."

440
00:21:58,567 --> 00:22:01,195
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

441
00:22:02,947 --> 00:22:06,659
When Jeramy first moved to L.A.,
I let him live in my car.

442
00:22:07,284 --> 00:22:10,955
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

443
00:22:11,956 --> 00:22:13,666
Well, he lived in my apartment
for a second,

444
00:22:13,749 --> 00:22:15,584
then he got in trouble
with my landlord,

445
00:22:15,668 --> 00:22:17,419
so I had to let him
live in my car.

446
00:22:18,754 --> 00:22:20,256
And it was nice,
he would get off work

447
00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:22,758
and go find wherever my car
was parked and he'd go to sleep.

448
00:22:22,842 --> 00:22:25,469
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-It was pretty nice.

449
00:22:26,387 --> 00:22:28,138
But one night,
I had a girl over,

450
00:22:28,222 --> 00:22:30,933
and around 5:00 a.m.,
I had to take her home.

451
00:22:31,016 --> 00:22:33,018
And we're driving,
driving, driving.

452
00:22:34,436 --> 00:22:38,899
And then in the rearview mirror,
she just saw... (GROANS LOUDLY)

453
00:22:38,983 --> 00:22:40,109
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

454
00:22:40,150 --> 00:22:42,361
She lets out
a blood-curdling scream.

455
00:22:42,987 --> 00:22:44,113
And then I had to go,

456
00:22:44,196 --> 00:22:46,657
"It's okay!
He just lives in my car!"

457
00:22:46,740 --> 00:22:49,034
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

458
00:22:51,871 --> 00:22:53,789
So, me and Johnny
lived in Birmingham.

459
00:22:53,873 --> 00:22:55,457
And then
when I was ten years old,

460
00:22:55,541 --> 00:22:58,168
we moved down
to Gulf Shores, Alabama,

461
00:22:58,252 --> 00:23:00,796
<i>which is like
a little beach trash town</i>

462
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:02,798
<i>on the Gulf of Mexico.</i>

463
00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:04,133
Jeramy was actually
the first friend

464
00:23:04,216 --> 00:23:06,135
-I ever met down there.
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER)

465
00:23:06,176 --> 00:23:08,304
WHITMER: <i>And, you know,
I'm walking on the beach,</i>

466
00:23:08,345 --> 00:23:10,139
I'm 11 years old,
and I see Jeramy

467
00:23:10,222 --> 00:23:12,558
digging through an ashtray
to try to find a cigarette

468
00:23:12,641 --> 00:23:14,143
that hadn't been smoked
too much,

469
00:23:14,184 --> 00:23:15,978
so he could get
a couple of drags.

470
00:23:16,061 --> 00:23:17,646
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

471
00:23:17,688 --> 00:23:18,981
WHITMER:
And I go, "What's up, dude?"

472
00:23:19,023 --> 00:23:20,190
And he goes...

473
00:23:20,274 --> 00:23:22,192
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"What's up, man?
My name Jeramy,

474
00:23:22,276 --> 00:23:24,820
and that teenage girl
over there is Sally,

475
00:23:24,904 --> 00:23:26,655
and her boyfriend is Nick.

476
00:23:26,739 --> 00:23:29,575
And Sally lets Nick do anal."

477
00:23:29,658 --> 00:23:32,786
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

478
00:23:34,288 --> 00:23:35,998
(NORMALLY) And I was like,
"What's Dewanul?"

479
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,167
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

480
00:23:38,208 --> 00:23:39,335
I went home, and I was like...

481
00:23:39,418 --> 00:23:41,211
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Johnny, what's Dewanul?"

482
00:23:41,295 --> 00:23:44,214
-(CHUCKLES)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

483
00:23:46,258 --> 00:23:47,968
(NORMALLY) Anyway,
I'm just saying all that to say

484
00:23:48,052 --> 00:23:49,178
you grow up fast as hell

485
00:23:49,219 --> 00:23:51,680
whenever you grow up
in a beach trash town.

486
00:23:51,764 --> 00:23:53,807
You grow up real quick, okay?

487
00:23:55,392 --> 00:23:58,020
Mm, all that talk
about cigarette, mm.

488
00:23:58,103 --> 00:23:59,521
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

489
00:23:59,563 --> 00:24:02,566
Jeramy, pop me a cig, man.
Toss me a cig, dawg.

490
00:24:04,401 --> 00:24:09,657
-Thanks. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

491
00:24:11,116 --> 00:24:12,660
You got a lighter?
(CLICKS TONGUE)

492
00:24:14,328 --> 00:24:17,706
-Come on, Jer.
-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Come on, man.

493
00:24:17,790 --> 00:24:19,375
-(AUDIENCE MEMBER SPEAKS
INDISTINCTLY)
-Fuck it.

494
00:24:19,458 --> 00:24:24,088
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

495
00:24:27,132 --> 00:24:30,761
Mm. Get real buzzed
off that. I like that.

496
00:24:32,888 --> 00:24:34,014
I like that buzz.

497
00:24:34,098 --> 00:24:36,350
♪ ("BOARDSHORTS"
BY WHITMER THOMAS PLAYING) ♪

498
00:24:37,267 --> 00:24:39,103
<i>♪ When I was a teen ♪</i>

499
00:24:40,896 --> 00:24:43,273
<i>♪ I took my girl to the beach ♪</i>

500
00:24:45,442 --> 00:24:50,781
<i>♪ And we kissed under a blanket
As the sun went down ♪</i>

501
00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:52,199
Give me something, brother.

502
00:24:54,159 --> 00:24:56,620
<i>♪ She sucked on my neck ♪</i>

503
00:24:56,704 --> 00:24:58,414
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

504
00:24:58,455 --> 00:25:00,624
<i>♪ And I touched her breasts ♪</i>

505
00:25:02,918 --> 00:25:07,756
<i>♪ Then her hand crawled up
My Billabong board shorts ♪</i>

506
00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:11,760
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
<i>-♪ Or maybe they were Volcom ♪</i>

507
00:25:11,802 --> 00:25:15,931
<i>♪ This is the best night
Of my life ♪</i>

508
00:25:16,015 --> 00:25:20,102
<i>♪ I said
As she tickled my inner thigh ♪</i>

509
00:25:20,144 --> 00:25:24,773
<i>♪ I said, "You're wild" ♪</i>

510
00:25:24,857 --> 00:25:28,610
<i>♪ She said
"I haven't even started yet" ♪</i>

511
00:25:28,652 --> 00:25:31,697
<i>♪ She began to graze ♪</i>

512
00:25:33,407 --> 00:25:37,411
<i>♪ My shaft and balls and taint ♪</i>

513
00:25:37,453 --> 00:25:43,834
<i>-♪ And I immediately came ♪</i>
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

514
00:25:46,712 --> 00:25:50,966
<i>♪ I looked her
In her pretty eyes ♪</i>

515
00:25:51,050 --> 00:25:55,763
<i>♪ And profusely apologized ♪</i>

516
00:25:55,846 --> 00:25:59,683
<i>♪ She said, "For what? Why?" ♪</i>

517
00:25:59,767 --> 00:26:04,021
<i>♪ At that moment I realized ♪</i>

518
00:26:04,104 --> 00:26:08,650
<i>♪ That I could see
Both of her hands ♪</i>

519
00:26:08,692 --> 00:26:12,905
<i>♪ I lifted up the blanket
And I ran ♪</i>

520
00:26:12,988 --> 00:26:17,993
<i>♪ The tiniest little sand crab ♪</i>

521
00:26:18,035 --> 00:26:19,953
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

522
00:26:23,540 --> 00:26:25,876
<i>♪ A crab covered in my cum ♪</i>

523
00:26:25,959 --> 00:26:30,172
<i>♪ Crab covered in cum
Crab covered in my cum ♪</i>

524
00:26:30,214 --> 00:26:34,343
<i>♪ Crab covered in cum
Crab covered in my cum ♪</i>

525
00:26:34,426 --> 00:26:37,012
<i>♪ Crab covered in cum ♪</i>

526
00:26:37,054 --> 00:26:42,309
<i>♪ Crab covered in my cum ♪</i>

527
00:26:43,018 --> 00:26:44,770
(CHEERS, WHOOPS)

528
00:26:45,562 --> 00:26:47,022
♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

529
00:26:47,064 --> 00:26:48,774
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-(LIGHTER CLICKS)

530
00:26:48,857 --> 00:26:50,400
WHITMER: You had a lighter
the whole time?

531
00:26:52,945 --> 00:26:53,946
Oh, man. (CHUCKLES)

532
00:26:54,029 --> 00:26:56,198
That was a girl crab,
by the way.

533
00:26:56,281 --> 00:26:58,200
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

534
00:26:58,242 --> 00:27:00,410
-How do you know?
-What?

535
00:27:00,494 --> 00:27:01,703
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
How do you know?

536
00:27:01,745 --> 00:27:03,330
'Cause she was wearing
a string bikini.

537
00:27:03,413 --> 00:27:05,415
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

538
00:27:05,499 --> 00:27:08,919
-I'm a beta male. (LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

539
00:27:09,002 --> 00:27:11,380
I'm a beta male
through and through, man.

540
00:27:11,421 --> 00:27:12,631
I wish I was an alpha male.

541
00:27:12,714 --> 00:27:14,716
That'd be great,
like a big old guy.

542
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:17,719
Like a...
I don't know. (CHUCKLES)

543
00:27:17,761 --> 00:27:19,763
Driving his truck around
with an energy drink,

544
00:27:19,847 --> 00:27:22,432
just going like, "Hubba-hubba,"
or whatever.

545
00:27:22,516 --> 00:27:24,601
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

546
00:27:25,727 --> 00:27:29,022
"Hubba-hubba."
You know, alpha male stuff.

547
00:27:29,690 --> 00:27:30,941
That'd be so cool.

548
00:27:32,151 --> 00:27:33,819
By the way,
every time I see an alpha male,

549
00:27:33,902 --> 00:27:36,905
like, drinking one of them
big ol' Monster energy drinks,

550
00:27:36,989 --> 00:27:41,535
-I'm like, "Aw, he's sleepy."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

551
00:27:41,618 --> 00:27:42,703
That's sweet.

552
00:27:43,912 --> 00:27:45,247
Beta male, beta male,

553
00:27:45,289 --> 00:27:47,166
I'm a beta male
through and through.

554
00:27:47,958 --> 00:27:50,586
And the most beta move
of all time,

555
00:27:50,627 --> 00:27:52,546
the other night
I had a wet dream

556
00:27:52,629 --> 00:27:56,717
-where I was jacking off.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

557
00:27:58,927 --> 00:28:00,929
I wasn't hooking up
with Carmen Electra,

558
00:28:01,013 --> 00:28:03,515
nothing like-- I wasn't even
hooking up with a crab.

559
00:28:04,766 --> 00:28:07,519
I was just jacking off
to completion...

560
00:28:08,478 --> 00:28:11,982
-in my dark little room.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

561
00:28:13,192 --> 00:28:17,112
I'm not a smart guy,
but I have a lot of thoughts.

562
00:28:17,196 --> 00:28:19,740
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

563
00:28:21,074 --> 00:28:24,119
I think I get it from my dad.
Like, my dad

564
00:28:24,161 --> 00:28:27,289
is very emotionally intelligent,
you know?

565
00:28:27,331 --> 00:28:30,751
But, you know, he suffers
a little bit in the brain game.

566
00:28:31,668 --> 00:28:33,337
Like, when I was
a super little kid,

567
00:28:33,420 --> 00:28:35,881
I remember he took me
to see the movie <i>Toy Story,</i>

568
00:28:35,964 --> 00:28:36,965
and I remember

569
00:28:37,007 --> 00:28:38,592
about ten minutes
into the movie,

570
00:28:38,675 --> 00:28:40,928
my dad saying to himself,
he goes...

571
00:28:41,511 --> 00:28:42,888
"Oh, this is a cartoon."

572
00:28:42,971 --> 00:28:46,308
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

573
00:28:46,391 --> 00:28:48,644
It took him ten minutes.

574
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:49,853
Ten minutes!

575
00:28:51,438 --> 00:28:53,523
I asked him about it recently,
and he was like...

576
00:28:53,607 --> 00:28:55,484
(ANGRILY) "Of course
I remember that, dude!

577
00:28:55,567 --> 00:28:58,695
I had never seen
anything like that before!

578
00:28:58,779 --> 00:29:03,283
I knew the toys was clearly
a cartoon, but at first,

579
00:29:03,367 --> 00:29:06,328
all you see is the human legs,
and they look real!"

580
00:29:06,370 --> 00:29:09,831
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

581
00:29:10,749 --> 00:29:13,669
(NORMALLY)
One time, my dad, for Christmas,

582
00:29:13,752 --> 00:29:17,339
got me
a Neil Diamond Greatest Hits CD.

583
00:29:17,422 --> 00:29:20,342
And he goes,
"Dude, I just thought, man,

584
00:29:20,425 --> 00:29:21,718
I remember last Christmas

585
00:29:21,802 --> 00:29:23,720
you were talking
about Neil Diamond,

586
00:29:23,804 --> 00:29:25,889
and so I figured I'd get you
the Greatest Hits CD."

587
00:29:25,973 --> 00:29:27,099
And I was like, "I don't know,

588
00:29:27,182 --> 00:29:28,767
maybe I was talking about him
last Christmas

589
00:29:28,850 --> 00:29:29,893
because last Christmas

590
00:29:29,977 --> 00:29:32,688
you got me the Neil Diamond
Greatest Hits CD."

591
00:29:32,729 --> 00:29:35,232
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

592
00:29:36,149 --> 00:29:37,317
You can't fault him on--

593
00:29:37,359 --> 00:29:39,778
You know, the apple doesn't fall
too far from the tree, though,

594
00:29:39,861 --> 00:29:41,196
because a long time ago,

595
00:29:41,238 --> 00:29:46,034
I went to see that movie
<i>Curious Case of Benjamin Button,</i>

596
00:29:46,076 --> 00:29:48,870
but I accidentally walked into
the Harvey Milk movie

597
00:29:48,954 --> 00:29:50,330
starring Sean Penn.

598
00:29:51,456 --> 00:29:53,792
It took me 45 minutes
before I was like,

599
00:29:53,875 --> 00:29:56,336
"I don't think
that old baby's showing up."

600
00:29:56,420 --> 00:30:00,215
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Stupid as hell.

601
00:30:00,257 --> 00:30:02,884
It is cool, though,
being from Alabama. Like...

602
00:30:02,926 --> 00:30:05,554
Like, when you think
about superheroes, you know,

603
00:30:05,637 --> 00:30:09,558
like New York has Spider-Man,
Detroit has Robocop,

604
00:30:09,641 --> 00:30:13,562
L.A. has Iron Man, but Alabama
has the best superhero of all.

605
00:30:13,645 --> 00:30:16,565
-We've got Forrest Gump.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

606
00:30:16,606 --> 00:30:18,567
A lot of people
don't think of him as super,

607
00:30:18,608 --> 00:30:20,902
but he's definitely super.
His powers are...

608
00:30:20,944 --> 00:30:23,113
(IMITATES FORREST GUMP)
...he can run really fast...

609
00:30:23,196 --> 00:30:25,574
(NORMALLY)
...and he can affect history

610
00:30:25,615 --> 00:30:28,243
in charming and sometimes
heartwarming ways.

611
00:30:28,285 --> 00:30:29,411
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

612
00:30:29,494 --> 00:30:32,372
People don't think about that.
They don't think about that.

613
00:30:32,456 --> 00:30:33,540
When I was a little kid,

614
00:30:33,582 --> 00:30:35,751
I wanted to get bit
by a radioactive hillbilly

615
00:30:35,834 --> 00:30:37,919
so that I'd become
Forrest Gump one day.

616
00:30:38,003 --> 00:30:41,298
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(CLEARS THROAT)

617
00:30:41,965 --> 00:30:43,008
WHITMER: What's up?

618
00:30:45,344 --> 00:30:46,845
You got something for me, Jer?

619
00:30:49,473 --> 00:30:53,477
-Oh, you have a thought too?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

620
00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:54,936
All right, Jeramy writes...

621
00:30:56,646 --> 00:30:59,107
"Not all seafood
comes from the sea."

622
00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:03,320
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

623
00:31:03,403 --> 00:31:05,864
"They should call seafood
water food."

624
00:31:05,947 --> 00:31:09,284
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

625
00:31:09,326 --> 00:31:14,498
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-WHITMER: That's pretty good.

626
00:31:16,291 --> 00:31:19,127
No, no, no,
I ain't bright, I ain't bright.

627
00:31:19,211 --> 00:31:21,296
The first time-- The first time
I ever got condoms

628
00:31:21,380 --> 00:31:22,672
when I was 15 years old,

629
00:31:22,756 --> 00:31:26,468
-I bought a 48-pack. (CHUCKLES)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

630
00:31:26,551 --> 00:31:30,472
Do you know how depressing it is
the day you graduate high school

631
00:31:30,514 --> 00:31:33,809
-to throw away 47 condoms?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

632
00:31:33,892 --> 00:31:35,352
You don't feel good.

633
00:31:36,561 --> 00:31:38,980
We'd get into trouble
a lot as kids,

634
00:31:39,022 --> 00:31:41,650
and I think it's 'cause
we all had slow Wi-Fi.

635
00:31:41,733 --> 00:31:44,152
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-I'd be like, "Ah, shit,

636
00:31:44,194 --> 00:31:48,323
it's gonna take eight hours
for <i>Road Trip</i> to download."

637
00:31:48,407 --> 00:31:50,992
Guess I'll go cut
my neighbor's bike in half.

638
00:31:54,371 --> 00:31:57,040
I'm pretty sure the only reason
our mom tried to order

639
00:31:57,124 --> 00:32:00,752
a year's supply of OxyContin
off of OxyContin.com

640
00:32:01,586 --> 00:32:02,587
is 'cause she was waiting

641
00:32:02,671 --> 00:32:05,173
for "Soak Up the Sun"
by Sheryl Crow to download.

642
00:32:05,257 --> 00:32:07,759
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

643
00:32:09,177 --> 00:32:11,179
I can't take cops seriously

644
00:32:11,263 --> 00:32:13,390
because I grew up
in a small town

645
00:32:13,473 --> 00:32:15,517
and our town was so small

646
00:32:15,559 --> 00:32:18,812
that specific cops
would pull my mom over

647
00:32:18,895 --> 00:32:21,690
just to ask her out on a date.

648
00:32:21,731 --> 00:32:24,651
And now every time I see
the lights flashing behind me,

649
00:32:24,734 --> 00:32:26,736
I get pulled over
and then he walks up to my car,

650
00:32:26,820 --> 00:32:30,699
I'm like, "Ah, shit, another
gay cop's about to ask me out."

651
00:32:30,740 --> 00:32:33,452
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

652
00:32:35,078 --> 00:32:37,289
No, because our parents were
always kind of fucking around

653
00:32:37,372 --> 00:32:40,041
doing their own thing, we could
just do whatever we want.

654
00:32:40,125 --> 00:32:41,877
Like, we would ride
our bikes around town

655
00:32:41,918 --> 00:32:43,837
doing <i>Stranger Things</i> kids shit.

656
00:32:45,255 --> 00:32:47,591
Actually, I don't know why
I use them as a reference.

657
00:32:47,674 --> 00:32:49,551
That's not true at all.
If the amount of things

658
00:32:49,593 --> 00:32:52,888
that happened to those
<i>Stranger Things</i> kids in one day

659
00:32:52,971 --> 00:32:56,057
happened to me over the course
of my entire life,

660
00:32:56,141 --> 00:33:00,270
-I would fucking kill myself.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

661
00:33:00,353 --> 00:33:04,441
"Oh, what's that, Mike?
We gotta go save Eleven,

662
00:33:04,524 --> 00:33:07,861
'cause the Upside Down world's
coming back?

663
00:33:07,944 --> 00:33:10,864
No, Mike, I'm not gonna hop
on my bike and help.

664
00:33:10,947 --> 00:33:11,907
I'm gonna go home,

665
00:33:11,948 --> 00:33:14,743
and I'm gonna
fucking kill myself.

666
00:33:14,784 --> 00:33:16,703
'Cause it ain't getting
any easier, Mike.

667
00:33:16,745 --> 00:33:19,331
They're just gonna
keep on coming, Mike."

668
00:33:19,414 --> 00:33:21,541
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

669
00:33:21,625 --> 00:33:23,877
There should be
one final episode of that show

670
00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:27,422
where all those kids go
to their parents' gun closet...

671
00:33:28,715 --> 00:33:32,260
they grab their fucking gun,
they put it in their mouth,

672
00:33:32,302 --> 00:33:34,888
and they pull
the fucking trigger.

673
00:33:34,971 --> 00:33:38,350
And that final episode
should justifiably

674
00:33:38,433 --> 00:33:41,436
-be called "Normal Things."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

675
00:33:41,478 --> 00:33:44,606
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

676
00:33:44,689 --> 00:33:46,650
You all support child suicide.

677
00:33:48,693 --> 00:33:52,656
Cool. Alabama has, like, a lot
of serious shit they wanna say,

678
00:33:52,739 --> 00:33:56,326
but they can't say it in a way
to where it's not funny.

679
00:33:57,285 --> 00:33:58,620
Like, no joke,

680
00:33:58,662 --> 00:34:00,622
the pro-life signs
in our hometown

681
00:34:00,664 --> 00:34:02,332
{\an8}<i>are written in Comic Sans.</i>

682
00:34:02,415 --> 00:34:07,295
{\an8}(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

683
00:34:07,337 --> 00:34:08,755
They want to make a statement,

684
00:34:08,838 --> 00:34:11,424
but they're just
a little bit too silly. (LAUGHS)

685
00:34:12,425 --> 00:34:13,426
That's all.

686
00:34:14,469 --> 00:34:16,972
We had a lot of tourists
coming to our town.

687
00:34:17,055 --> 00:34:18,848
And one of the main things
they would do

688
00:34:18,932 --> 00:34:20,850
is look for sand crabs
on the beach

689
00:34:20,934 --> 00:34:22,018
at night with flashlights.

690
00:34:22,102 --> 00:34:23,812
<i>It was usually like
a family, you know,</i>

691
00:34:23,895 --> 00:34:25,230
<i>on the shore
looking for sand crabs.</i>

692
00:34:25,313 --> 00:34:28,400
<i>They'd walk up and down.
And Clay came up with this idea</i>

693
00:34:28,483 --> 00:34:31,653
for us to take turns
just like at night,

694
00:34:31,736 --> 00:34:34,864
just sort of like
laying face down in the shore

695
00:34:34,948 --> 00:34:38,577
<i>and just kind of washing up
as they approached.</i>

696
00:34:39,869 --> 00:34:41,705
That way, it was usually,
like, a dad

697
00:34:41,788 --> 00:34:43,039
and a couple kids, you know.

698
00:34:43,123 --> 00:34:45,083
They would be walking up to us,
and then, you know,

699
00:34:45,166 --> 00:34:47,168
they would shine
a flashlight on--

700
00:34:47,252 --> 00:34:49,671
They would shine a flashlight
onto a dead child. (LAUGHS)

701
00:34:49,713 --> 00:34:51,006
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

702
00:34:51,047 --> 00:34:53,508
And you could hear
outside the water the dad go...

703
00:34:53,592 --> 00:34:55,635
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Kids, go back to the condo."

704
00:34:55,719 --> 00:34:56,720
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

705
00:34:56,803 --> 00:34:58,680
(NORMALLY) They would run off,
and then eventually

706
00:34:58,722 --> 00:34:59,806
the dad would touch you,

707
00:34:59,889 --> 00:35:01,558
and as soon as
the dad touched you, you'd go...

708
00:35:01,641 --> 00:35:03,977
-(SCREAMS) ...and run.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

709
00:35:04,060 --> 00:35:07,480
It was awesome.
It was really, really funny.

710
00:35:08,690 --> 00:35:09,691
But now I'm getting older

711
00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:11,818
and I think about it
and I regret it.

712
00:35:13,069 --> 00:35:15,864
I fully, completely regret
doing that,

713
00:35:15,947 --> 00:35:20,535
because those kids
have lived their entire life.

714
00:35:20,577 --> 00:35:22,370
You know,
now they're 30 years old,

715
00:35:22,412 --> 00:35:24,039
and they've lived
their whole lives

716
00:35:24,080 --> 00:35:25,248
telling their friends,

717
00:35:25,332 --> 00:35:26,541
"No, yeah, when we were kids,

718
00:35:26,625 --> 00:35:30,045
we discovered
a dead child in the shore.

719
00:35:30,086 --> 00:35:33,381
We ran back to the condo,
completely traumatized,

720
00:35:33,465 --> 00:35:37,302
and our dad, being a nice dad,
tried to calm us down by saying,

721
00:35:37,385 --> 00:35:39,596
'Don't worry,
it was just a prank.'"

722
00:35:39,679 --> 00:35:42,432
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

723
00:35:42,515 --> 00:35:43,558
I totally regret it.

724
00:35:44,392 --> 00:35:46,144
It's all right.
I regret a lot of shit.

725
00:35:46,227 --> 00:35:48,855
Every day, I--
I regret doing this right now.

726
00:35:48,938 --> 00:35:50,106
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

727
00:35:50,190 --> 00:35:53,026
I'm-- I think it's good
to be consumed with regret

728
00:35:53,109 --> 00:35:55,070
at every waking moment.
It's good.

729
00:35:55,153 --> 00:35:57,781
It shows you got
some self-awareness, all right?

730
00:35:57,864 --> 00:36:01,159
Every time I've ever met
somebody who says, "No regrets,"

731
00:36:01,242 --> 00:36:03,620
-it's the worst person
I've ever met in my life.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

732
00:36:03,703 --> 00:36:05,246
♪ ("MOST LIKELY"
BY WHITMER THOMAS PLAYING) ♪

733
00:36:05,330 --> 00:36:10,085
<i>♪ There should be a room
At every party ♪</i>

734
00:36:10,126 --> 00:36:15,048
<i>♪ Where you can just sit
And watch a movie ♪</i>

735
00:36:15,131 --> 00:36:20,178
<i>♪ But I make a fool of myself
The moment I open my mouth ♪</i>

736
00:36:20,261 --> 00:36:26,184
<i>♪ If I could kick my own ass
I'd knock myself out ♪</i>

737
00:36:27,686 --> 00:36:29,771
One, two, three, four.

738
00:36:29,854 --> 00:36:32,107
-♪ (ELECTRONIC DRUM FILL
PLAYS) ♪
-WHITMER: Whoo!

739
00:36:32,190 --> 00:36:34,776
♪ (SONG CONTINUES) ♪

740
00:36:34,818 --> 00:36:36,277
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

741
00:36:36,319 --> 00:36:38,321
<i>♪ You know you're in a rut ♪</i>

742
00:36:38,405 --> 00:36:40,949
<i>♪ When you only think
About the past ♪</i>

743
00:36:41,032 --> 00:36:42,909
<i>♪ Romanticize the days ♪</i>

744
00:36:42,951 --> 00:36:45,328
<i>♪ When you were too broke
For a therapist ♪</i>

745
00:36:45,412 --> 00:36:50,291
<i>♪ I wanna be too jaded
To be sentimental ♪</i>

746
00:36:50,333 --> 00:36:55,004
<i>♪ Self-referential
Or existential ♪</i>

747
00:36:59,634 --> 00:37:01,970
<i>♪ People who say no regrets ♪</i>

748
00:37:02,011 --> 00:37:04,639
<i>♪ Have most likely done
Some fucked up shit ♪</i>

749
00:37:04,723 --> 00:37:09,394
<i>♪ Most likely, likely ♪</i>

750
00:37:10,937 --> 00:37:12,647
<i>♪ Imposter syndrome's a bitch ♪</i>

751
00:37:12,689 --> 00:37:15,525
<i>♪ Man, when you move
In a new direction ♪</i>

752
00:37:15,608 --> 00:37:19,821
<i>♪ Everyone can dance
With nobody paying attention ♪</i>

753
00:37:19,863 --> 00:37:24,534
<i>♪ Ain't meant for introspection
Just wanna roll around in dirt ♪</i>

754
00:37:24,617 --> 00:37:26,953
<i>♪ Doc don't make me do no work ♪</i>

755
00:37:27,036 --> 00:37:29,164
<i>♪ Look what you did
You little jerk ♪</i>

756
00:37:29,247 --> 00:37:31,416
<i>♪ Doc don't make me do no work ♪</i>

757
00:37:31,499 --> 00:37:33,626
<i>♪ Look what you did
You little jerk ♪</i>

758
00:37:36,045 --> 00:37:38,590
<i>♪ People who say no regrets ♪</i>

759
00:37:38,673 --> 00:37:41,050
<i>♪ Have most likely done
Some fucked up shit ♪</i>

760
00:37:41,134 --> 00:37:47,348
<i>♪ Most likely, likely
I like doing impressions ♪</i>

761
00:37:47,390 --> 00:37:49,601
<i>♪ I forgot the sound
Of my voice ♪</i>

762
00:37:49,684 --> 00:37:54,355
<i>♪ Every email I've ever sent
Ends with exclamation points ♪</i>

763
00:37:54,439 --> 00:37:58,693
<i>♪ I'm hardcore ashamed
Wide-eyed and adoring ♪</i>

764
00:37:58,777 --> 00:38:04,282
<i>♪ Been a full 15 minutes
Since I said I'm sorry ♪</i>

765
00:38:07,076 --> 00:38:08,286
All right, Johnny!

766
00:38:08,369 --> 00:38:13,917
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

767
00:38:17,545 --> 00:38:21,257
♪ (PICKS GUITAR) ♪

768
00:38:23,134 --> 00:38:25,345
-Fuck!
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

769
00:38:26,387 --> 00:38:28,765
<i>♪ People who say no regrets ♪</i>

770
00:38:28,848 --> 00:38:31,392
<i>♪ Have most likely done
Some fucked up shit ♪</i>

771
00:38:31,476 --> 00:38:35,563
<i>♪ Most likely, likely ♪</i>

772
00:38:35,647 --> 00:38:38,024
<i>♪ People who say no regrets ♪</i>

773
00:38:38,107 --> 00:38:40,568
<i>♪ Have most likely done
Some fucked up shit ♪</i>

774
00:38:40,652 --> 00:38:44,823
<i>♪ Most likely, likely ♪</i>

775
00:38:46,199 --> 00:38:48,910
<i>♪ I got an ocean of shame ♪</i>

776
00:38:48,993 --> 00:38:51,454
<i>-♪ The wisdom of a puppy ♪</i>
-(IMITATES BARK)

777
00:38:51,538 --> 00:38:57,460
<i>♪ Dog paddling against the waves
Looking happy go lucky ♪</i>

778
00:38:57,544 --> 00:39:04,259
-♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

779
00:39:04,342 --> 00:39:06,261
Good show, everybody,
I'm Cornholio,

780
00:39:06,344 --> 00:39:08,888
I need toilet paper
for my asshole.

781
00:39:08,972 --> 00:39:10,807
How's everybody
doing out there tonight?

782
00:39:10,890 --> 00:39:12,600
<i>Just need some toilet paper
for my asshole.</i>

783
00:39:12,684 --> 00:39:14,561
<i>'Cause I am Cornholio.</i>

784
00:39:15,728 --> 00:39:18,523
I try to think of what, like,
made me who I am.

785
00:39:18,606 --> 00:39:20,483
I've been trying
to figure that out forever,

786
00:39:20,567 --> 00:39:22,777
and I think
I kind of whittled it down

787
00:39:22,819 --> 00:39:24,779
to one night of my life,

788
00:39:24,821 --> 00:39:27,615
which was when we had just moved
to this new town,

789
00:39:27,657 --> 00:39:30,368
Gulf Shores, right?
I didn't know nobody yet.

790
00:39:30,451 --> 00:39:32,620
My dad had left.
I was really sad.

791
00:39:32,662 --> 00:39:34,289
And my mom had gotten
into some trouble,

792
00:39:34,372 --> 00:39:36,624
and so she had to quit drinking.

793
00:39:36,708 --> 00:39:38,167
And that night,
I was really sad,

794
00:39:38,251 --> 00:39:39,919
and my mom was trying
to put me to bed,

795
00:39:39,961 --> 00:39:41,629
and she would do this thing
whenever I was sad,

796
00:39:41,671 --> 00:39:42,964
where she would trace my back,

797
00:39:43,047 --> 00:39:45,383
and she would say this
little thing where she'd go,

798
00:39:45,466 --> 00:39:49,470
"X marks the spot
with a dot, dot, dot,

799
00:39:49,554 --> 00:39:54,893
and a dash, dash, dash,
and a great big question mark.

800
00:39:54,976 --> 00:40:00,982
Chills go up, chills go down,
chills go all around.

801
00:40:01,024 --> 00:40:04,485
Give a breeze. (BLOWS AIR)
And a squeeze."

802
00:40:04,527 --> 00:40:06,988
And right when she said squeeze,
she had a seizure.

803
00:40:07,071 --> 00:40:10,158
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

804
00:40:10,241 --> 00:40:13,661
And she fell on top of me
and started seizing up.

805
00:40:13,745 --> 00:40:15,496
And then she bit her tongue off.

806
00:40:15,580 --> 00:40:17,832
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

807
00:40:17,874 --> 00:40:19,334
'Cause she was going
into withdrawals,

808
00:40:19,375 --> 00:40:21,044
and then she fell onto
the ground, kept seizing up.

809
00:40:21,127 --> 00:40:22,503
I thought she was dying.

810
00:40:22,545 --> 00:40:23,963
But after a little while,
she came to,

811
00:40:24,047 --> 00:40:25,965
and she just, like,
looked up at me,

812
00:40:26,049 --> 00:40:28,676
and she was like,
"What happened?"

813
00:40:29,719 --> 00:40:32,972
And I was like,
"Can't I just have one moment?"

814
00:40:33,056 --> 00:40:35,808
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

815
00:40:37,060 --> 00:40:38,603
Well, no, then I called
my grandparents,

816
00:40:38,686 --> 00:40:40,021
and my grandparents came
and got her,

817
00:40:40,063 --> 00:40:42,148
and then they just left me
and Johnny there.

818
00:40:43,483 --> 00:40:44,442
And, yeah, that was it.

819
00:40:44,525 --> 00:40:47,737
I remember just sitting
in my blood bed, uh...

820
00:40:47,820 --> 00:40:49,238
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

821
00:40:49,322 --> 00:40:52,533
...thinking, well,
this is what Blink-182

822
00:40:52,575 --> 00:40:55,745
was talking about
whenever they sang,

823
00:40:55,828 --> 00:41:00,333
"I guess this is growing up."
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) That's this.

824
00:41:00,416 --> 00:41:02,543
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-♪ (SOFT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

825
00:41:02,585 --> 00:41:04,921
I kind of knew that whatever
my mom was going through

826
00:41:05,004 --> 00:41:06,214
was way worse than whatever

827
00:41:06,255 --> 00:41:08,216
I was gonna end up
going through.

828
00:41:08,257 --> 00:41:11,260
So, I... I didn't ever wanna be
a problem or an obligation.

829
00:41:11,344 --> 00:41:15,014
If anything, I wanted
to be a distraction for her.

830
00:41:15,056 --> 00:41:19,185
But she was gone for a while,
and me and Johnny just ended up,

831
00:41:19,227 --> 00:41:21,396
you know, living with different
random family members

832
00:41:21,437 --> 00:41:23,898
or sleeping
on these guys' couches.

833
00:41:25,274 --> 00:41:26,567
It was weird.

834
00:41:26,609 --> 00:41:29,821
It was kind of like
living like a storm

835
00:41:29,904 --> 00:41:31,906
was gonna break over you
at any time,

836
00:41:31,990 --> 00:41:34,367
and you just had to be ready
to pick up and move.

837
00:41:34,450 --> 00:41:36,494
And it didn't help
because there's real storms

838
00:41:36,577 --> 00:41:38,913
<i>where we're from.
There's hurricanes.</i>

839
00:41:38,997 --> 00:41:39,956
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

840
00:41:40,039 --> 00:41:42,417
So, it's kind of like
a double whammy, you know?

841
00:41:42,458 --> 00:41:44,377
But I'd always find
a silver lining,

842
00:41:44,460 --> 00:41:46,587
like, um... like, uh...

843
00:41:46,629 --> 00:41:47,922
A lot of people don't know this,

844
00:41:47,964 --> 00:41:50,258
but after hurricanes,
something cool happens,

845
00:41:50,341 --> 00:41:52,260
which is that you get
hurricane treasure.

846
00:41:52,343 --> 00:41:53,928
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

847
00:41:54,012 --> 00:41:56,597
Like this one time, I got
the whole Waffle House sign

848
00:41:56,639 --> 00:41:57,974
-in my front yard.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

849
00:41:58,057 --> 00:42:00,268
WHITMER: I slapped that puppy
on my roof. I was like...

850
00:42:00,309 --> 00:42:02,145
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Y'all gotta come over.

851
00:42:02,228 --> 00:42:04,063
It's just like going
to a real Waffle House."

852
00:42:04,147 --> 00:42:06,774
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(NORMALLY) It was great, man.

853
00:42:06,816 --> 00:42:08,776
We were all going through
some kind of hell as kids,

854
00:42:08,860 --> 00:42:10,611
and we didn't really
have to talk about it.

855
00:42:10,695 --> 00:42:12,280
You know,
these are my best friends.

856
00:42:12,363 --> 00:42:14,657
We just kind of
understood each other.

857
00:42:14,741 --> 00:42:16,451
And why would we talk about it?

858
00:42:16,534 --> 00:42:18,619
Why would we ruin our Saturday

859
00:42:18,703 --> 00:42:20,705
<i>of shooting Roman candles
at a port-a-potty?</i>

860
00:42:20,788 --> 00:42:23,166
-(FIREWORK BANGS)
-KID 1: (LAUGHS) Oh, shit!

861
00:42:23,249 --> 00:42:24,542
We could sense it, you know?

862
00:42:24,625 --> 00:42:26,627
Clay could sense something
was going on with me,

863
00:42:26,711 --> 00:42:27,962
and he'd be like...

864
00:42:28,004 --> 00:42:29,714
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Dude, guess what, man?

865
00:42:29,797 --> 00:42:31,674
I figured out
how to steal chicken tenders

866
00:42:31,758 --> 00:42:33,342
<i>out the trash behind a Walmart."</i>

867
00:42:33,426 --> 00:42:34,886
(NORMALLY)
<i>And then we would go do that,</i>

868
00:42:34,969 --> 00:42:36,679
<i>and all of our problems
would be solved.</i>

869
00:42:36,763 --> 00:42:37,972
I'm so lucky

870
00:42:38,056 --> 00:42:40,725
-to have these guys.
-(KID 2 SCREAMS)

871
00:42:40,808 --> 00:42:42,143
-(FARTS)
-(KID 3 LAUGHS)

872
00:42:42,185 --> 00:42:44,979
(RETCHES, CHUCKLES)

873
00:42:45,063 --> 00:42:46,814
There's this interview
with Jake Phelps,

874
00:42:46,898 --> 00:42:48,691
the editor of <i>Thrasher</i> magazine.

875
00:42:48,775 --> 00:42:51,861
He's describing a group
of skaters in San Francisco

876
00:42:51,944 --> 00:42:56,324
bombing a hill into the fog
as "a terminal crew of dudes."

877
00:42:56,365 --> 00:42:58,326
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

878
00:42:58,409 --> 00:42:59,994
Which I think
is so poetic, you know?

879
00:43:00,036 --> 00:43:02,538
And I look at my friends
up here tonight like that,

880
00:43:02,622 --> 00:43:04,999
my terminal crew of dudes.

881
00:43:05,083 --> 00:43:07,877
<i>-We've grown up together,
which is a trip.</i>
-KID 4: Fuck yeah!

882
00:43:07,960 --> 00:43:09,545
WHITMER: <i>We've gotten
to grow up together.</i>

883
00:43:10,213 --> 00:43:11,464
Especially with Jeramy.

884
00:43:11,506 --> 00:43:14,926
Jeramy's literally addicted
to getting run over by cars.

885
00:43:15,009 --> 00:43:18,554
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-WHITMER: <i>But we made it, man.</i>

886
00:43:19,889 --> 00:43:24,018
We're gonna be all right.
My terminal crew.

887
00:43:24,102 --> 00:43:26,854
Except we're not bombing a hill
into the fog or anything.

888
00:43:26,896 --> 00:43:29,398
We're just, like,
skating something low-impact

889
00:43:29,482 --> 00:43:32,026
under a bridge
with a bunch of shirtless boys.

890
00:43:32,068 --> 00:43:36,030
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

891
00:43:36,114 --> 00:43:39,033
Up until recently, I kind of let
my parents' decisions

892
00:43:39,117 --> 00:43:42,245
dictate pretty much everything
I've ever done, you know?

893
00:43:43,412 --> 00:43:45,706
I kind of thought
for the longest time

894
00:43:45,748 --> 00:43:47,208
that I was a product of them,

895
00:43:47,250 --> 00:43:49,627
but in reality,
I'm a product of my friends,

896
00:43:49,710 --> 00:43:52,255
and I've felt so taken care of
because of them.

897
00:43:53,923 --> 00:43:59,387
You know, like... I never drank
or anything because I was scared

898
00:43:59,428 --> 00:44:01,514
after seeing
whatever happened to my mom.

899
00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:05,101
But I feel like I really know
who I am now, and...

900
00:44:06,477 --> 00:44:09,522
I... I'm here to say tonight
to all you folks

901
00:44:09,605 --> 00:44:12,233
that, uh, I started drinking.

902
00:44:12,275 --> 00:44:14,652
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

903
00:44:14,735 --> 00:44:18,614
-♪ (GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
RISING) ♪
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

904
00:44:18,698 --> 00:44:21,951
-It's awesome.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

905
00:44:22,034 --> 00:44:25,580
Yeah. It's really cool.

906
00:44:25,621 --> 00:44:27,999
I'm hoping I get addicted
to something this year.

907
00:44:28,082 --> 00:44:30,293
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-You just wait.

908
00:44:31,627 --> 00:44:36,465
♪ (GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
CONTINUES) ♪

909
00:44:45,224 --> 00:44:47,727
<i>♪ Kids, you're still young ♪</i>

910
00:44:49,812 --> 00:44:52,356
<i>♪ On the sand in the sun ♪</i>

911
00:44:54,483 --> 00:44:58,654
<i>♪ Carving a castle
And piling it high ♪</i>

912
00:44:59,739 --> 00:45:04,702
<i>♪ Digging a moat
To keep away the bad guys ♪</i>

913
00:45:07,747 --> 00:45:10,208
<i>♪ One day your grief will be ♪</i>

914
00:45:13,169 --> 00:45:15,796
<i>♪ Like a blanket you carry ♪</i>

915
00:45:17,673 --> 00:45:21,969
<i>♪ A star you are gonna
Wish upon ♪</i>

916
00:45:23,054 --> 00:45:26,724
<i>♪ A feeling you are gonna bury ♪</i>

917
00:45:30,645 --> 00:45:35,608
<i>♪ And the deflector of heaviness
Is your cool little outfit ♪</i>

918
00:45:35,691 --> 00:45:38,486
<i>♪ It's a pair
Of shit-kicking boots ♪</i>

919
00:45:38,527 --> 00:45:40,321
<i>♪ And a leather jacket ♪</i>

920
00:45:40,363 --> 00:45:46,035
<i>♪ Why are you still wearing
Your mom's rhinestone belt? ♪</i>

921
00:45:46,118 --> 00:45:48,162
<i>♪ It's the best day
Of your life ♪</i>

922
00:45:48,246 --> 00:45:51,165
<i>♪ Or the worst
That you ever felt ♪</i>

923
00:45:54,168 --> 00:45:59,173
<i>♪ And in times of uncertainty
There's nothing you're above ♪</i>

924
00:45:59,257 --> 00:46:03,928
<i>♪ You only criticize the work
Of everyone you're jealous of ♪</i>

925
00:46:04,011 --> 00:46:09,016
<i>♪ And you long for the calamity
That you hope to forget ♪</i>

926
00:46:09,100 --> 00:46:12,270
<i>♪ So caught up in a daydream
You'll never see ♪</i>

927
00:46:13,729 --> 00:46:15,022
<i>♪ You're living it ♪</i>

928
00:46:20,194 --> 00:46:22,655
<i>♪ Old Buzz and Junebug ♪</i>

929
00:46:24,657 --> 00:46:26,993
<i>♪ Are you still having fun? ♪</i>

930
00:46:28,577 --> 00:46:33,541
<i>♪ A shell for a window
With a view of the sea ♪</i>

931
00:46:33,582 --> 00:46:37,420
<i>♪ A stage to tap dance
For infinity ♪</i>

932
00:46:40,589 --> 00:46:43,592
<i>♪ Looks like you wasted
All your time ♪</i>

933
00:46:43,676 --> 00:46:46,220
<i>♪ Trying to make
Something profound ♪</i>

934
00:46:46,262 --> 00:46:48,431
<i>♪ And you watched your ball ♪</i>

935
00:46:48,514 --> 00:46:50,933
<i>♪ Ping the goal post
Out of bounds ♪</i>

936
00:46:51,017 --> 00:46:56,564
<i>♪ All them things you won't try
In fear of wanting too much ♪</i>

937
00:46:56,605 --> 00:46:58,899
<i>♪ You blew away
All your eyelashes ♪</i>

938
00:46:58,983 --> 00:47:01,360
<i>♪ Trying to shake
Your shit low ♪</i>

939
00:47:03,863 --> 00:47:09,410
<i>♪ And you mythologize the place
Where you come from ♪</i>

940
00:47:09,493 --> 00:47:14,874
<i>♪ You impersonate the people
That you hope to become ♪</i>

941
00:47:14,957 --> 00:47:19,754
<i>♪ But don't you go acting
Like no one's got your back ♪</i>

942
00:47:19,795 --> 00:47:22,256
<i>♪ Your brother's barking at ya ♪</i>

943
00:47:22,298 --> 00:47:23,382
(AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS)

944
00:47:24,133 --> 00:47:26,218
<i>♪ Trying to make you laugh ♪</i>

945
00:47:30,681 --> 00:47:33,184
<i>♪ And so the tide will come ♪</i>

946
00:47:35,269 --> 00:47:37,396
<i>♪ There's no golden one ♪</i>

947
00:47:39,023 --> 00:47:43,486
<i>♪ Your castle will crumble
And your shoulders will fry ♪</i>

948
00:47:46,655 --> 00:47:47,948
<i>♪ You see, man ♪</i>

949
00:47:47,990 --> 00:47:52,078
<i>♪ You ain't gotta try so hard
All the time ♪</i>

950
00:48:02,505 --> 00:48:05,508
<i>♪ So dip them toes
Into the shore ♪</i>

951
00:48:07,343 --> 00:48:09,845
<i>♪ Sunscreen stinging your eyes ♪</i>

952
00:48:13,099 --> 00:48:16,018
<i>♪ And wrap your cast
In a garbage bag ♪</i>

953
00:48:17,728 --> 00:48:20,231
<i>♪ Float into the horizon ♪</i>

954
00:48:24,193 --> 00:48:27,196
<i>♪ You will feel ♪</i>

955
00:48:27,279 --> 00:48:34,286
<i>♪ You will feel most lost
On the road you know by heart ♪</i>

956
00:48:34,495 --> 00:48:36,705
<i>♪ But ain't it fun ♪</i>

957
00:48:37,957 --> 00:48:41,127
<i>♪ Ain't it fun
To build sandcastles ♪</i>

958
00:48:44,713 --> 00:48:48,926
<i>♪ Just to tear them ♪</i>

959
00:48:50,594 --> 00:48:51,887
<i>♪ Apart? ♪</i>

960
00:48:55,015 --> 00:49:01,897
-♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)

961
00:49:01,981 --> 00:49:03,065
Oh, shit.

962
00:49:03,941 --> 00:49:06,861
I forgot, okay,
this is a weird, uh...

963
00:49:06,902 --> 00:49:09,738
So, when I walked in here,
somebody handed me a letter.

964
00:49:10,990 --> 00:49:13,367
Uh, this is weird,

965
00:49:13,451 --> 00:49:15,703
-but I'm just gonna read it.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)

966
00:49:15,786 --> 00:49:17,705
Someone handed me this
right when I walked in,

967
00:49:17,746 --> 00:49:19,874
which I thought was strange,
but here we go.

968
00:49:19,915 --> 00:49:23,210
"Dear Whit, I'm also
from down south,

969
00:49:23,294 --> 00:49:24,879
and I just wanted to say

970
00:49:24,920 --> 00:49:28,466
that your comedy has inspired me
to try comedy myself."

971
00:49:29,925 --> 00:49:31,760
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

972
00:49:33,429 --> 00:49:35,723
"I grew up with
an alcoholic mom too."

973
00:49:35,806 --> 00:49:37,892
-(AUDIENCE MEMBER
SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)
-Yeah.

974
00:49:37,933 --> 00:49:41,020
"She passed away
five years ago."

975
00:49:41,520 --> 00:49:43,063
Fucking hell.

976
00:49:43,147 --> 00:49:44,899
"Watching your stand-up
has helped me

977
00:49:44,940 --> 00:49:47,902
get through one of the most
difficult times in my life."

978
00:49:47,985 --> 00:49:49,695
(BREATHES DEEPLY)

979
00:49:49,737 --> 00:49:51,739
"I know it's probably lame,
but I wrote a joke

980
00:49:51,822 --> 00:49:54,950
that I wanted you to hear
because you inspire me so much."

981
00:49:56,535 --> 00:49:58,204
Okay.

982
00:49:58,287 --> 00:50:00,247
"Why do girls
always carry around

983
00:50:00,289 --> 00:50:02,291
these big-ass water bottles?"

984
00:50:02,374 --> 00:50:04,418
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

985
00:50:04,460 --> 00:50:06,754
"The water bottles
are getting bigger, folks,

986
00:50:06,795 --> 00:50:11,425
-and the girls are loving them."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

987
00:50:11,509 --> 00:50:14,637
"Basically, these bitches
are carrying around a bathtub

988
00:50:14,720 --> 00:50:18,265
-with a straw in it."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

989
00:50:20,226 --> 00:50:22,645
"You'd think
these filthy bitches would have

990
00:50:22,728 --> 00:50:26,440
-biceps bigger than The Rock."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

991
00:50:26,524 --> 00:50:29,735
"Open your own damn pickle jar,
you hog bitch."

992
00:50:29,818 --> 00:50:32,655
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

993
00:50:32,738 --> 00:50:35,491
"Thanks for inspiring me
to do comedy."

994
00:50:35,574 --> 00:50:40,704
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

995
00:50:43,123 --> 00:50:47,378
-Uh, okay.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

996
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:53,133
After my mom got out of rehab,

997
00:50:53,217 --> 00:50:55,302
it was one of the best times
of my whole life.

998
00:50:55,344 --> 00:50:58,347
By then, I had gone to school,
I had met my friends,

999
00:50:58,430 --> 00:50:59,473
and it was my birthday,

1000
00:50:59,515 --> 00:51:01,642
and so my mom let me have
my friends over

1001
00:51:01,725 --> 00:51:04,061
to watch movies
for my birthday party.

1002
00:51:04,144 --> 00:51:06,397
And we're all sitting there
watching movies with my mom,

1003
00:51:06,480 --> 00:51:07,856
and then she goes to sleep.

1004
00:51:07,940 --> 00:51:11,318
As soon as my mom closes
her bedroom door,

1005
00:51:11,360 --> 00:51:13,195
Jeramy goes...

1006
00:51:13,279 --> 00:51:16,490
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Dude, we should go
to the Spice Channel."

1007
00:51:16,574 --> 00:51:18,200
(NORMALLY) For those of y'all
who don't know...

1008
00:51:18,284 --> 00:51:20,995
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1009
00:51:21,078 --> 00:51:23,539
-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Jeramy.
-(CHUCKLES)

1010
00:51:23,622 --> 00:51:24,832
For those of y'all
who don't know,

1011
00:51:24,873 --> 00:51:28,836
the Spice Channel is like
the porn channel, Channel 59.

1012
00:51:28,919 --> 00:51:30,337
You gotta rent it.
And I was like,

1013
00:51:30,421 --> 00:51:32,172
"Dude, there's nothing ever
on the Spice Channel.

1014
00:51:32,214 --> 00:51:34,341
It just comes in fuzzy."
And he goes...

1015
00:51:34,425 --> 00:51:36,510
(YELLING) "Go to
the Spice Channel, please!

1016
00:51:36,594 --> 00:51:42,016
Please, God, please!
I need this! I need Spice!"

1017
00:51:42,057 --> 00:51:45,853
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-He needed Spice, I don't know.

1018
00:51:45,936 --> 00:51:48,897
-Spice is nice.
-Spice is nice. (CHUCKLES)

1019
00:51:50,149 --> 00:51:53,193
So, I agree. Fine.
I go to the Spice Channel.

1020
00:51:53,235 --> 00:51:56,071
And on this day,
my 11th birthday,

1021
00:51:56,155 --> 00:51:59,992
the Spice Channel
is coming in clear as day.

1022
00:52:00,075 --> 00:52:03,454
No joke. And it's just the porn
of a bunch of women going down

1023
00:52:03,537 --> 00:52:07,041
on each other in an alleyway.
Pretty cool.

1024
00:52:07,124 --> 00:52:10,919
So, me and all my buddies
do the thing that little kids do

1025
00:52:11,003 --> 00:52:13,922
when something good happens,
which is this. "Hoh!"

1026
00:52:14,006 --> 00:52:17,885
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)

1027
00:52:17,926 --> 00:52:20,638
Looking good, fellas.
We still got it.

1028
00:52:23,682 --> 00:52:26,226
We're all doing that,
and I do the good friend thing,

1029
00:52:26,310 --> 00:52:27,686
which is I go
to the hall closet,

1030
00:52:27,770 --> 00:52:29,396
and I grab a bunch of blankets,
and I go,

1031
00:52:29,438 --> 00:52:31,857
"Here's your blanket
to jack off under,

1032
00:52:31,899 --> 00:52:34,276
and you get a blanket
to jack off under.

1033
00:52:34,360 --> 00:52:36,403
Here's your blanket."
Johnny wasn't there.

1034
00:52:37,404 --> 00:52:39,448
Johnny was probably
driving around in his van

1035
00:52:39,531 --> 00:52:41,784
with his girlfriend
listening to Deftones.

1036
00:52:41,867 --> 00:52:43,911
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1037
00:52:43,952 --> 00:52:46,914
Anyway, so all my fellas
are so excited,

1038
00:52:46,997 --> 00:52:48,874
they can't wait to jack off.

1039
00:52:48,916 --> 00:52:52,127
I distinctly remember hearing
the loudest un-Velcroing

1040
00:52:52,211 --> 00:52:54,421
of board shorts
you've ever heard.

1041
00:52:54,463 --> 00:52:59,593
-Just... (ROARS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1042
00:52:59,677 --> 00:53:01,720
They're all raring to go,
and I go, "Hold up, fellas.

1043
00:53:01,762 --> 00:53:03,722
Before we all start
jacking off together,

1044
00:53:03,806 --> 00:53:05,766
I gotta make sure
my mom's asleep,

1045
00:53:05,849 --> 00:53:08,102
'cause I don't want her
walking in here

1046
00:53:08,143 --> 00:53:11,480
while we're all jacking off
together on my 11th birthday.

1047
00:53:11,563 --> 00:53:14,858
-That might be weird for her."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1048
00:53:16,819 --> 00:53:18,278
So, I go to my mom's door.

1049
00:53:18,362 --> 00:53:20,489
They're all sitting
just like this, all right?

1050
00:53:20,572 --> 00:53:21,615
That's them.

1051
00:53:21,657 --> 00:53:24,326
And my mom's door's about here.
The TV's here. I go in.

1052
00:53:24,410 --> 00:53:27,746
I kind of creak the door open
real quiet, and I peek in there,

1053
00:53:27,830 --> 00:53:29,164
and I look around.

1054
00:53:29,248 --> 00:53:32,376
And I look to the left,
and I see that just, like,

1055
00:53:32,459 --> 00:53:34,086
there's a flickering of the TV,

1056
00:53:34,169 --> 00:53:36,130
and I'm like,
"Okay, interesting."

1057
00:53:36,213 --> 00:53:38,799
I dip my head
in there a little further,

1058
00:53:38,841 --> 00:53:41,802
and I see on my mom's TV
is the porn

1059
00:53:41,885 --> 00:53:44,972
of all the women going down
on each other in the alley.

1060
00:53:45,013 --> 00:53:50,352
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1061
00:53:51,770 --> 00:53:54,857
-"What the heck?"
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1062
00:53:55,858 --> 00:53:56,859
(CHUCKLES)

1063
00:54:01,655 --> 00:54:06,243
And I thought to myself, "Okay,
well, maybe my mom fell asleep,

1064
00:54:06,326 --> 00:54:07,953
and then she rolled
onto the remote,

1065
00:54:08,036 --> 00:54:09,163
and then she went to there,

1066
00:54:09,204 --> 00:54:11,165
and then she accidentally
rolled onto her phone,

1067
00:54:11,206 --> 00:54:13,834
and then she slept-talked
her credit card information

1068
00:54:13,917 --> 00:54:15,669
into her phone,
and then she rented

1069
00:54:15,711 --> 00:54:18,380
the Spice Channel
for the night."

1070
00:54:18,464 --> 00:54:21,175
So, I get my head
in there a little further,

1071
00:54:21,216 --> 00:54:26,346
and I see that my mom
is wide awake.

1072
00:54:26,430 --> 00:54:28,098
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1073
00:54:28,182 --> 00:54:31,059
And my mom
has a blanket of her own.

1074
00:54:31,143 --> 00:54:35,981
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1075
00:54:36,023 --> 00:54:41,236
So, uh... I just sort of
very quietly close the door...

1076
00:54:42,446 --> 00:54:45,115
and I put my head against it,
and I think...

1077
00:54:47,993 --> 00:54:50,537
I had been through
a lot that year.

1078
00:54:50,621 --> 00:54:52,247
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1079
00:54:53,957 --> 00:54:57,085
I seen a lot of stuff
I wasn't supposed to see.

1080
00:55:00,088 --> 00:55:02,090
We all kind of
were going through it.

1081
00:55:03,425 --> 00:55:05,093
We had to make a big change
in our life

1082
00:55:05,177 --> 00:55:07,638
and we were all lonely
and learning how to be

1083
00:55:07,721 --> 00:55:10,599
in this new place,
this new life.

1084
00:55:12,267 --> 00:55:13,936
I felt bad for my mom.

1085
00:55:15,813 --> 00:55:17,272
Walked back to the couch.

1086
00:55:18,148 --> 00:55:19,650
I sat with my pals.

1087
00:55:22,528 --> 00:55:24,947
And I un-Velcroed
my board shorts.

1088
00:55:25,030 --> 00:55:29,243
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1089
00:55:29,284 --> 00:55:32,579
-(IMITATES VELCRO RIPPING)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1090
00:55:33,789 --> 00:55:36,750
My pals
are all smiling, excited.

1091
00:55:38,043 --> 00:55:42,297
-(CHUCKLES)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1092
00:55:42,381 --> 00:55:44,508
I give them the go-ahead,
start jacking off.

1093
00:55:44,591 --> 00:55:48,887
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1094
00:55:48,971 --> 00:55:50,764
It's the best night
of Jeramy's life.

1095
00:55:50,848 --> 00:55:53,600
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1096
00:55:57,604 --> 00:55:58,730
And you know...

1097
00:55:59,982 --> 00:56:01,608
I start jacking off too.

1098
00:56:01,692 --> 00:56:04,695
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1099
00:56:05,779 --> 00:56:08,490
I looked around the room
at all these smiling faces.

1100
00:56:12,995 --> 00:56:16,290
And I'm pretty sure
that night...

1101
00:56:16,373 --> 00:56:20,627
all my pals thought that
I was jacking off with them.

1102
00:56:21,753 --> 00:56:25,007
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1103
00:56:27,801 --> 00:56:29,970
I was jacking off with my mom.

1104
00:56:30,053 --> 00:56:34,641
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

1105
00:56:34,683 --> 00:56:38,353
♪ (SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
RISING) ♪

1106
00:56:42,691 --> 00:56:43,859
Thank you.

1107
00:56:46,194 --> 00:56:48,280
Thank you. Thank you.

1108
00:56:48,363 --> 00:56:50,407
And, you know,
don't worry about me.

1109
00:56:52,200 --> 00:56:55,412
I'm okay. I'm okay.
I'm okay. I'm fine.

1110
00:56:55,495 --> 00:56:57,998
I just have the sudden urge
to go inside.

1111
00:56:58,040 --> 00:57:01,209
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)

1112
00:57:01,293 --> 00:57:07,049
♪ (SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
CONTINUES) ♪

1113
00:57:18,393 --> 00:57:21,855
<i>♪ Well, how lucky
Can one guy be? ♪</i>

1114
00:57:21,939 --> 00:57:26,401
<i>♪ I found some pals
As dumb as me ♪</i>

1115
00:57:26,485 --> 00:57:30,155
<i>♪ My tears dissolve
Into the sea ♪</i>

1116
00:57:30,238 --> 00:57:36,078
<i>♪ Hit with the choppy waves
Of memories ♪</i>

1117
00:57:36,161 --> 00:57:39,748
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

1118
00:57:43,085 --> 00:57:47,464
<i>♪ Well, our house got blown
Into the bay ♪</i>

1119
00:57:47,547 --> 00:57:51,426
<i>♪ We didn't like it
There anyway ♪</i>

1120
00:57:51,510 --> 00:57:55,389
<i>♪ And Johnny got himself a van ♪</i>

1121
00:57:55,472 --> 00:58:00,143
<i>♪ And we ran away
To Birmingham ♪</i>

1122
00:58:04,022 --> 00:58:08,235
<i>♪ Well, get the van, man
Johnny, I got the itch ♪</i>

1123
00:58:08,276 --> 00:58:12,572
<i>♪ Let's hit the road
And hold on to that death wish ♪</i>

1124
00:58:12,656 --> 00:58:14,074
<i>♪ 'Cause I don't wanna go ♪</i>

1125
00:58:14,157 --> 00:58:18,412
<i>♪ Through them white sand dunes
Without my terminal ♪</i>

1126
00:58:18,453 --> 00:58:22,290
<i>♪ My terminal crew of dudes ♪</i>

1127
00:58:28,338 --> 00:58:33,343
<i>♪ And so, Jer quit school
And left town ♪</i>

1128
00:58:33,427 --> 00:58:37,639
<i>♪ Work nights at Waffle House ♪</i>

1129
00:58:37,723 --> 00:58:41,768
<i>♪ He put his pay check on red ♪</i>

1130
00:58:41,852 --> 00:58:46,523
<i>♪ Had to move back home again ♪</i>

1131
00:58:46,606 --> 00:58:49,443
<i>♪ That's the trouble
With winning ♪</i>

1132
00:58:49,526 --> 00:58:54,281
<i>♪ You gotta
Have something to lose ♪</i>

1133
00:58:54,322 --> 00:58:58,285
<i>♪ And coming up
Don't feel so good ♪</i>

1134
00:58:58,326 --> 00:59:03,331
<i>♪ If you ain't
Never been screwed ♪</i>

1135
00:59:06,334 --> 00:59:10,797
<i>♪ Well, get the van, man
Johnny, I got the itch ♪</i>

1136
00:59:10,839 --> 00:59:14,718
<i>♪ Let's hit the road
And hold on to that death wish ♪</i>

1137
00:59:14,801 --> 00:59:16,887
<i>♪ 'Cause I don't even know ♪</i>

1138
00:59:16,970 --> 00:59:20,974
<i>♪ How to sing the blues
Without my terminal ♪</i>

1139
00:59:21,016 --> 00:59:24,895
<i>♪ My terminal crew of dudes ♪</i>

1140
00:59:29,357 --> 00:59:31,568
(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)

1141
00:59:31,651 --> 00:59:35,822
<i>♪ And we're too cynical
To pray ♪</i>

1142
00:59:35,906 --> 00:59:39,826
<i>♪ And too wound up to meditate ♪</i>

1143
00:59:39,910 --> 00:59:43,997
<i>♪ Just tumbling through
That by and by ♪</i>

1144
00:59:44,081 --> 00:59:45,540
<i>♪ Some beach rats ♪</i>

1145
00:59:45,624 --> 00:59:49,211
<i>-♪ Flying into the night sky ♪</i>
-(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

1146
00:59:52,214 --> 00:59:56,510
<i>♪ Well, get the van, man
Johnny, I got the itch ♪</i>

1147
00:59:56,551 --> 01:00:01,014
<i>♪ Let's hit the road
And hold on to that death wish ♪</i>

1148
01:00:01,098 --> 01:00:02,933
<i>♪ 'Cause I could
Never go through ♪</i>

1149
01:00:03,016 --> 01:00:06,937
<i>♪ What I've been through
Without my terminal ♪</i>

1150
01:00:07,020 --> 01:00:10,607
<i>♪ My terminal crew of dudes ♪</i>

1151
01:00:11,650 --> 01:00:14,569
<i>♪ Terminal crew of dudes ♪</i>

1152
01:00:16,196 --> 01:00:21,910
<i>♪ Terminal crew of dudes ♪</i>

1153
01:00:21,993 --> 01:00:28,208
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

1154
01:00:28,250 --> 01:00:30,043
(SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)

1155
01:00:30,085 --> 01:00:32,045
♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

1156
01:00:33,964 --> 01:00:38,760
(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)